I want to be.....
An inspiration.
I was watching "unteachable" tonight on the ABC, and its one of those occasions in my life where i realise that i could be so much more than i am, in a professional capacity (I teach High School, for the uniformed). Its happened before, usually when i see other teachers going above and beyond, and being such an inspiration to their students, for involving themselves so much. The time before last was when Andrew Douch came to talk to us about using Web 2.0 tools in our classrooms. I think he may have struck a particular cord with me, as a fellow Biology teacher. I wanted to be so much more like him, to use my time so much more effectively.
I've only been teaching for 2 years, so i know i have so much more to learn, and a better teacher to become. I can already see the results, see the progress that i've made as a teacher. But its a hard thing to measure. If i do it on the amount of time i spend preparing and thinking about lessons, then i've gotten worse. If i base it on VCE results, then its much improved (go Bio class of 08, you did me proud). I have thinking about it though, because i feel measuring teaching success is so difficult, which is why i don't really like the idea of performance based pay.
Coz if you base it,say on my VCE results, then based on a state wide performance, then maybe not so good. But can you look a bit closer, please? Look at the kids who only took my class because they couldn't do their preferred subject, one that is as far removed from Bio that you can get. And then can you look at the effort they put in for me, the work they completed, the motivation they had?
I'm an emotional person, i cry at the drop of a hat (i cried at that WorkSafe add where the daughter thought her dad had died, and then he appeared home....) but i had several moments this year when my students moved me so completely. The first was when a parent came up to me at Valedictory (year 12 graduation) and spoke to me about how i motivated her son, who didn't enjoy school or science subjects, but loved my class and talked at home about how much he enjoyed my class and how hard he tried for my exam.
And then there were the two year 12's who both individually commented about how disappointed they were at their overall results, not because they were lower overall than what they wanted, but rather because they didn't want to disappoint me.
Makes me tingle.
So maybe in that capacity i am an inspiration. But i don't think i am. I don't think i'm doing enough. I don't think i'm working hard enough, making my lessons interesting enough. I'm not engaging those students who have those different intelligences that the guy in Unteachables was talking about.
He does Punctuation Kung Fu. Oh yeah, Kung fu geastures and noises associated with punctuation marks. It was freakin awesome.
I think thats my challenge this year. I'm teaching more boys than i ever have. And a difficult group of boys. And this worries me. It has ever since i heard what they were doing with the program. I'll admit it.
I've been dreaming about crazy out-of-control science lesson for the past week. Alot involving boys looking like mad scientists. I may be a fraction stressed about this.
I just want to translate that motivation i have with my senior kids to my more junior ones, coz i dunno if i can do it. I just don't know.
23
Jimmy Eat world sung about not living in ones regrets at 23, not loving what i'll never have and not loving selfish things. I was quite happy to turn 23 so i could honestly sing these lyrics, not sing them and think, maybe that will happen when i'm 23. It was like being 17 and finally being able to blame the rain on the fact that you lied.
At the start of this year, and as my birthday is in January, the start of 23, i was talking to my friend Robyn about which years of ours had been good. I expressed a warm sentiment for 13, when things were idyllic and fun, and she relished 21. We both agreed that 22 for her had been shocking and 23 was going to really have to suck badly if it was to sink to those depths.
22 for me hadn't been much of a year at all for me. Nothing monumental happened. Sure, i started my job as a teacher, but i had been working towards that for 7 years, it was the next step, the expected rather than the exciting. Around me people were off having adventures and i was settling into my routine.
So excuse me for feeling that 23 was going to be of similar prospects. Robyn rightly pointed out that i was going overseas twice that year and that there should be enough for me to bring 23 up above the levels of previous years, and she had "a feeling" about 23.
Sometimes i wonder at her psychic abilities. Coz that girl is far too often right.
23 has been pretty damn magnificent. I did go OS twice, to NZ and USA both trips teaching me a bit about myself and changing the relationships with the people i traveled with. In the US i realised i can do things by myself and its not too bad. I can make flights and talk to strangers and make friends in hostels.
In NZ i appreciated not only the beauty but also started to see my mother as more of an individual person and not just my mum.
And then there's CYM; certain young man. For someone who has long bemoaned her single status and lack of romance on this blog, a part of me finds it interesting that i don't have much to say about him, except he's wonderful. He makes me happy. The thought of losing him scares the crap out of me and twists my stomach up. Its sometimes like he peels away the layers of bullshit faux toughness and extrovertedness and makes me softer.
I'm not going to gush anymore, i don't want to be that girl too much, but sometimes i feel that perhaps any other year is going to have to have some drastic changes in it if it is to top 23.
Joshua Radin
Joshua radin has long been an artisit that zach braff raves about, and even if you've never heard of him you prpbably have. His songs have been used in Grey's Anatomy, which pretty much means that everyone in the world has heard of him!
That said, his name popped up on myspace today so i cruised on over to his page and i think i'm in love! Its weird, maybe i'm getting older and i'm getting over the angsty-emo-punk-pop-rock music that has long been a staple in my life. Sure i still love JEW, FOB, Yellowcard, Dashboard, my new find Boys like girls, but i'm heading slowly and surely towards adults acoustic rock! David Ford, Joshua Radin, Damien Rice, David Grey, Snow patrol..... Hmmm, growing up!
So, here's some Joshua Radin Lyrics, check out his myspace page, and then the other bands i like to!
Closerso, we're alone again
i wish it were over
we seem to never end
only get closer
to the point where i can take no more
the clouds in your eyes
down your face they pour
won't you be the new one burn to shine
i take the blue ones every time
walk me down your broken line
all you have to do is cry
hush my baby now
your talking is just noise and won't lay me down
amongst your toys in a room where i can take no more
the clouds in your eyes
down your face they pour
won't you be the new one burn to shine
i take the blue ones every time
walk me down your broken line
all you have to do is cry
photographs and brightly colored paper
are your mask you wear in this caper
that is our life
we walk right into the strife
and a tear from your eye brings me home
the clouds in your eyes
down your face they pour
won't you be the new one burn to shine
i take the blue ones every time
walk me down your broken line
all you have to do is cry
The Fear you won't fallDiggin a hole & the walls are caving in
behind me, airs gettin thin but im trying
im breathing in
come find me
it hasnt felt like this before
it hasnt felt like home..before you
And i know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And i miss you more than i should, than i thought i could,
i cant get my mind off of you.
i know your scared that
i'll soon be over it,
thats part of it all
part of the beauty of falling in love with you,
is the fear you wont fall
it hasnt felt like this before
it hasnt felt like home..before you
And i know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And i miss you more than i should, than i thought i could,
i cant get my mind off of you.
and i hate the phone, but i wish you'd call
thought being alone, was better than, was better than...
And i know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And i miss you more than i should, than i thought i could,
i cant get my mind off of you.
cant get my mind off of you,
And i know its easy to say, but its harder to feel this way
And i miss you more than i should, than i thought i could,
i cant get my mind off of you.
Fast becoming about me and my music!
its weird what i put into different blogs. I think thats the problem i have with having four of these things now. thats right, four. Myspace, msn, blogspot and facebook! What am i thinking! I don't have enough thoughts to fill four blogs! But i don't want to neglect any of them, or repeat myself too much, or wallow in the depressive, coz we all know how easy that is to do. So today i decided to write about my music. I love music. When picking which sense i'd give up, speech, sight, hearing i'd give up sight in an instance coz either of the other two would derive me of singing and listening to music.
its amazing how some songs have such a visceral effect on you. Songs that you can hear once and relate to so much that they make you cry or smile, songs that instantly take you back to a moment or a person. I have songs that are deeply linked to other people without even knowing if they've ever heard the song before. REM's man on the moon is a Jo song. U2, especially Electrical storm and The hands that built america are robyn, all robyn with her hair and her smile, in an instant i'm with her. Elephant love medly is my mum, as is day dream believer. Summer rain remind me of my sister as an akward teenager. Eskimo Joe, who's new album i love and will soundtrack my summer, is all PK. Especially listening to it at night. Its all confined cars and lights flickering off the bonnet, quiet nights.
I think thats what i love so much about music, that its a trigger. A trigger to emotions or memories or energy. It can make me smile or cry, relax or get pumped. I don't understand how people can accept silence when so much music is better. A bit of snow patrol to take you from warm summer day to cool night. A bit of David Ford when all i want to do is lie in the dark. Beyonce for dancing, Boys like Girls for jumping, Dashboard for studying. Music offers you reflection and the chance to feel like your part of something. To go, hey, that person feels what i feel!
What i find interesting is how different people classify what is a good song, where personal tastes come from. I Love lyrics, i like nothing better than a song that makes it so clear what that person is feeling, and its even better if it comes with an acoustic guitar and some strings. i think i like this style of acoustic rock because it accentuates the mood. My sister loves Techno and i don't get that. Whats the point of a song with no lyrics? Whats to like? thumping bass? Whoop whoop. I also like smplicity and i think that is why i don't like chick music that much. There's too much focus on the vocal abilty rather than the story of the song. The vocal is there to sell the song, not the other way around. I don't like fuss, and the warbling of the Christina's and Mariah's of the world are fussy! Where my love of emo/punk/rock fits i dunno, i suppose its more lyrics.
So, i have a new song lyric that i want to add. I love a lot of songs at the moment.... Snow patrol's eyes open album and Eskimo Joe's Black Fingernails, red wine (BTW hop ripped off was it that wolfmother hogged the ARIA's. i hate wolfmother. they're crap) are both getting heavy rotation, but i have to pick a song soooooo.....
You Could Be HappyYou could be happy and I won't know But you weren't happy the day I watched you go And all the things that I wished I had not said Are played on lips 'till it's madness in my head Is it too late to remind you how we were But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur Most of what I remember makes me sure I should have stopped you from walking out the door You could be happy, I hope you are You made me happier than I'd been by far Somehow everything I own smells of you And for the tiniest moment it's all not true Do the things that you always wanted to Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do More than anything I want to see you go Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
Relaint K and The Fray
Who I Am Hates Who I've BeenI watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...
coz I don't want you to know where I am
Coz then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Coz who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.
I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.
I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.
And I can't let that happen again
Coz then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.
This is no place to try and live my life.
Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
Coz who I've been only ever made me...
So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Coz who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.
"All At Once"There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another
To another
Ha!
to be transfered!
In my exploration of the ethics of contraception and an inherint curiosity into circumcision (Did you know that during the 70's 91% of baby boys were circumcised and now its only 12%?) I came across a study looking at whether or not circumcision enhances or takes away from sexual pleasure. They haven't come up with a consensus. Guys who've had circumcision in adulthood and experienced both with or without the foreskin were divided. Some hated it afterwards, with a much lessened friction and excitement. Some thought it was great, with less premature ejaculation and more pleasure.
What i really liked was this quote though. I thought it was really good!
“Sex is about so much more than raw sensation from one little strip of skin, no matter how sensitive, that pleasure doesn't feel diminished. Who you're with, their excitement, your chemistry together, the sensation of your entire body against another—there are so many things that play into the equation. The marketing slogan would be something like "Hey, it's sex. It still feels really, really good."
David Ford
David Ford
I Don't Care What You Call Me
I never made time, You never made much sense
We never stood a chance, If we're honest.
You were not the first,
And I won't be the last,
But if it makes it better,
Well you can call me what you will.
Get home late,
No one's here.
Pace around the house
And sit in my chair.
And if you think of me,
It doesn't mean a thing.
So why don't you just tell me
What you really think again?
I don't care what you call me
Because it won't hurt any more.
I know I let you down,
And Christ, you let me know
Every time
And time again.
Just another afternoon
Get drunk and disappear
So call me what you will
Rain it on down.
What else can you throw at me
I haven't heard before?
And tear me on down.
I am unforgivable.
So why don't you just tell me
What you really think of me?
scream me on down
I am so forgettable
Yes, I know.
And shoot me on down
Don't you think this isn't killing me?
But it's no more than I deserve.
I don't care what you call me.
Because it won't hurt any more
David Ford
Katie
All this time
And all is fine
Oh call me paranoid,
But I think something's going on.
I know you'd say
It looks ok
Yeah, but I've got my suspicions
But I don't want to be like this.
'Cause I'm a reasonable guy
But I can't shake this
And I don't know why.
Experience brings
A kind of sense for these things
So call me paranoid
But I think something's going on
'Cause it seems alright
Oh but it's too damn quiet
And I tell you I don't like it.
Oh God, I wish it isn't so.
'Cause I'm a reasonable guy,
But I can't shake this
And I don't know why.
Katie, will you say to me?
Will you just laugh and tell me that I've got it wrong?
Katie, will you say to me?
Will you just tell me please what the fuck is going on?
Oh, for goodness sake
Now you know I'd hate to come over obsessive,
'Cause I'm really, really, really,
I'm not like that at all
Did I say too much?
Yeah well not as such
Oh look, but there I go again.
No this really is not how I am.
It's just there's something in my mind
That says where were you last nght?
Katie, will you say to me?
Will you just laugh and tell me that I've got it wrong?
Katie, will you say to me?
Will you just tell me please what the fuck is going on?
